Fourth Time's the Charm

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." (Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh!)

I'm Sorry

I have an amazing husband who helps me put up 3 Christmas trees, hang garlands and lights inside and out and never complains. I know I'm lucky because I hear from friends how their husbands grouse or put off the chores related to decorating. Sometimes around the holidays, tempers flare and harsh words are spoken. It's inevitable since we are stressed and pulled in a million directions with no time for ourselves. Before the holidays are gone for another year, I want to share the following email... a genuine attempt to make amends for cross words between husband and wife!

Subject: Christmas Lights...!!! -- an apology from husband

Hi Sweetheart, I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to the golf course. Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later. Love you!

Hope the New Year holds much health and happiness for everyone, and a lot of smiles thrown in too!

Saying his prayers...

Ben here...

Haven't written in a while, life is never quiet enough for me to get a good nap here on Granny Mountain. Two old people and a dog, shouldn't be this much coming and going! Mom and Dad take turns being gone, he leaves then she leaves then he comes back then she comes back with those white sacks full of stuff. Sometimes she sets them in the floor and I can get a sniff of whatever she's found, good things like Pupperoni and rotisserie chicken. I guess she just goes up and down the road finding them, I wish she would let me go sometime. Halloween must be coming up, she put the pumpkins out and made me try on these stupid Devil Horns. I have to be good to get the Pupperoni, so I just grin and bear it. Saying my prayers at night is one way I stay on the right track. 

Dear God, here is a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog...
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats it or after he throws it up..
2. I will not roll on dead possums, fish, or squirrels just because I like the way they smell.
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy', so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Amen. Can I have a Pupperoni now?

Shampoo Alert!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use  in the shower that runs down my entire body says  "For Extra Body and Volume." Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?  Now I  understand why I am so full figured.

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap.  It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the labels, my friends!

Big News!

We've had a little excitement on Granny Mountain the last few days. I wanted to tell you about it when it happened, but there just wasn't a spare moment to sit down at the computer. It's going to change things around here forever and that scares me a little.

It started last month. It was just a typical day, we got up early and had our breakfast as usual. Then Pa tried to get me to go into town with him but I declined, I had potatoes to dig. He went on in, stopped by the post office to look over the wanted posters on the wall and got sidetracked watching the checkers game.

Meanwhile, back at home the cat had kittens, then I struck oil while I was digging potatoes! Since I had some extra money to spend I added a wing onto the north side of the house with some extra bedrooms and a gym.

Pa decided to get a haircut while he was in town and of course the talk revolved around the weather, or rather the lack of weather. Everyone agreed we needed rain.

Meanwhile back at home, the dog had puppies. I went to the mailbox and found out I had just won a big contest and they wanted to do a movie about me. I was right in the middle of adding a wing onto the south side of the house for the maids' quarters so I politely declined.

Pa mosied over to Millie's Luncheonette to get a little lunch. He had the special of the day, chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes, fried potatoes, creamed potatoes and a baked potato.

Meanwhile, back at home the President came to congratulate me on my big prize winnings and see the oil wells I had put in. I showed him the new kittens and puppies and then off he flew in the Presidential helicopter!

In town Pa watched as a turtle crossed Main Street for the first time ever and couldn't wait to tell me about it! He picked up a box of Cracker Jacks for a little gift for me on the way out of town.

When Pa got home he looked around at all of the home additions, oil wells and other changes and told me all about what happened in town. I said, "Shoot! I miss everything." Then I opened my box of Cracker Jacks and guess what??? Inside was a real diamond ring!!!

Never a dull day on Granny Mountain, not even on April Fool's Day!

Order your copy of this hilarious book from Amazon by clicking HERE... one of our Grandkids favorites!

Snow Waist High...

Every morning I call my Mother-in-law to check on them. At nearly 90, they still live on their own about 20 miles away in Fayetteville. They enjoy good health but like others their age, a mishap can happen in the blink of an eye. They are fiercely independant and appreciate the call but rarely need assistance. Amazing!

My sister-in-law lives in another state and we talk at least once a week, just to catch up on gossip. Not exactly gossip, we usually run the government officials over the coals and say how we would fix healthcare and the economy. It you'd like to hear some of those opinions, just let me know!

When I talked to her today, she said she just got off the phone with a friend in South Dakota. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

She got me too!

Hardly Working...

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.




Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

My last job was working in Starbucks,

but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THEJOB!
Have a great weekend!

Spread the Word!

I'M SO GLAD I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS!

The correct way to weigh yourself...I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD!

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came
to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on
the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation,

he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'Sorry, yes' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake...

*Thanks to my SISTER in-law Terry for this funny email!

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

.....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Ozark Exercise Regimen

We owe a big “Thank You” to Jack LaLanne. "The Godfather of Fitness" was born September 26, 1914 in San Francisco, CA and admittedly, during his childhood days was addicted to sugar and junk foods. At age 15, young Jack heard Paul Bragg speak on health and nutrition which had such a powerful influence, it motivated Jack to focus on his diet and exercise habits.
The Jack LaLanne Show was the longest running health and fitness show in history, airing from 1951 to 1985. In addition to the Jack LaLanne Show, Jack has published numerous books, created countless health and fitness videos, appeared in films, marketed health and exercise equipment and vitamin supplements. Through his career, LaLanne has won numerous awards including the Horatio Alger Award from the Association of Distinguished Americans, and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and Hall of Fame. At the young age of 94, Jack LaLanne continues to work out every morning for two hours, spending 1 ½ hours in the weight room and ½ hour swimming. Jack LaLanne lives with his wife Elaine in Morro Bay, CA.

Hubby and I are trying to improve our diets and lose some weight. We have adopted the following exercise regimen each day in hopes that by warm weather we will have a slim body for Swimsuit Season…

Ozark Exercise Regimen

For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo!

Spelling Test

i cdnuolt blveiee I cluod uesdnatnrd taht it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by ...istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

The Tiny Cabin

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, ' are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
'This is the Outhouse!'

FREE GRILL AND GRILLING TIPS!

As everyone knows, it is time to get ready for that all-important cooking technique - outdoor grilling! Great for those weekends at the lake and just around the house with family and friends and often connected with school and church activities.I have just found out there are several stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! In these hard economic times that is sure to excite everybody!You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

A&P
Albertsons
Bi-Lo
Costco
Food Lion
Fry's
Giant
HEB
Home Depot
Ingles
Big Lots
Bloom
Brookshire's
Lowes
Publix
Safeway
Shoppers
Food Warehouse
Sam's Club
Target
Vons
Trader Joe's
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie
Whole Foods

I especially like the higher rack...which can be used for keeping things warm!

And look at those bread warmers, how handy is that?

Just make sure to get a metal one instead of the plastic variety if you have a choice...

the plastic ones don't do so well.

Happy Grilling and may this be a glorious week for you!

Chocolate Math

My sister-in-law sent this the other day and I thought, oh another of these silly tests! But "Mr. Obsessive Compulsive" made me take the test, he speaks to me often. Don't tell me your age. You probably would tell a lie anyway -but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat…
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759. If you haven't, add 1758.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK,

SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS!